How to Fix Your Relationship

Sometimes relationships work often they don't.

The reasons are complex.

Relationships require constant work;

the work is a constant effort to keep

the connection a positive one.

We all have our ups and downs.

If that were not the case

what would we work towards?

The effort to keep relationships

constantly moving in a positive direction

can become a battle of wear and tear.

A loose thread in a relationship

can cause frustration and disappointment,

leaving a couple faced with a problem,

calling for resolution.

Feelings are strong emotions that

keep us attached to one another.

It's not always easy to remedy

what we feel when our ego has been

bruised by the one we love.

At the moment of feeling bruised emotions,

choice comes into play --

am I going to hang in there and work

this out or do I walk away.

In the moment of choice,

we come face to face with self.

Like a reflection in a mirror

we glimpse who self is being.

If we are looking at self and

not the other person, we

reflect on our own actions.

Think about it for a moment.

Isn't it true that when you have an argument

or disagreement and you temporarily

distance yourself to reflect on the situation,

that you're left with "yourself"

to ponder the details?

Within those moments of pondering,

don't you see yourself?

Aren't you evaluating

how you might have acted or reacted

to cause the thread to loosen?

When I look at myself in a relationship

what that reveals to me

is that I'm constantly learning and growing.

Life is teaching me what it wants me to learn

in order for me to become a more knowledgeable, wiser person.

It's only when I don't see myself

due to denial, pride, selfishness or naivety

that the thread in the relationship continues to become unravelled

because I'm not growing;

I'm not becoming more responsible and accountable.

Ultimately, the relationship is severed

due to a lack of not seeing "me."

That's not to say that the relationship is being severed

solely on me not seeing myself,

my significant other might not

be willing to look at self.

The fact remains,

no matter what the reasons might be,

if you're observing yourself in the relationship,

your reflection will bring you face to face with the inner you

and cause you to grow beyond whatever the reason might be.

The same stands true for relationships that work.

No matter what the reasons are,

you were constantly looking at "self" along the way

or it wouldn't have worked.

Each person in the relationship

needs to come face to face with self

in order to make things better.

Then, perhaps they can come back,

together!

Written by Betty Alark

How to Have Unity in Relationships - Working Things Out

We have our moments,
but we've always worked things out

A big part of having unity in relationships,
Is being able to relate and communicate with one another effectively

Yes, we have our moments that momentarily distance us,
Howbeit, after we get a handle on our emotions, assess the situation and
evaluate what we need to do next, eventually, we come back together,
talk and work things out.

There's no hurdle that's come our way that we haven't conquered,
no obstacle that our love hasn't defeated.

So, let's not allow this molehill to turn into a mountain,
our love is stronger than that.

We can still work things out, right?
Let's talk!

Written by Betty Alark

Photo by Aubrey Kirkham

The Good Things You Do Override Your Faults

We have our ups and downs,
not always seeing eye to eye.
Often disagreeing
both vying for our individual opinion.

It's at those times our emotions,
our ego comes into play.
We find ourselves feeling sorry for
the things we said to one another.

We temporarily distance ourselves
to reflect on our wounds;
After reflecting upon the moment,
what overshadows my emotions, my ego
is all the good things you've done for me.

I see your heart!
Your heart overshadows
any complaint I might have
regarding your imperfections and mine.

Nevertheless, the complaint remains,
it still needs to be addressed.
We need to come together,
not keep the complaint at bay.

In order to move forward,
we need to address the complaint;
so it doesn't continue to haunt us.

Let's not allow our differences-- lead us astray;
we can come together and hear
the complaint that needs to be said.

I'm big enough to forgive
the temporary wounding of my ego,
my hope is-- that you are too.

Our unity means more to me,
than any harsh words could possibly say.

Our commitment, our devotion,
our love to one another,
is what I hope will triumph over the dispute.

So here is my complaint--
please don't turn a death ear
when I express things that matter to me,
objectively consider its value to me.
.

Keep in mind--
your heart overshadows the complaint being expressed,
any changes will just make our relationship stronger,
and old habits will be laid to rest.

Your heart overshadows
any complaints I have about you.

When it's my turn to hear your complaints,
I'll remember the thing
I've asked of you.

Let's keep in mind the greater things,
that compliment you and I!

Written by Betty Alark

Photo by: Yana Ray

How to Raise Your Self Esteem - Stand Your Ground

It's a constant battle to maintain feeling good about "you." However, feeling good about yourself is a "powerful weapon" in the battle against someone else not thinking positive about "you" and putting "you" down with words? 

When an opponent is constantly "belittling or criticizing" your character, it can impact your psyche. You begin to question yourself and ask "is that me." You hear it repeatedly and before long you might start to believe it.

I term it -- psychic warfare -- resulting from the constant battle fought against the opponent's words used to attack the psyche.

The mind can be vulnerable to criticism. If you look in the mirror and perceive yourself as ugly, most likely, you will believe the mirror image. When someone is constantly throwing degrading words at you, it has the same effect as the mirror image. Why, because you believed it.

We care "how" others view us. When others think well of us we tend to feel good about ourselves based on how "they" feel about us. On the contrary-- their not thinking positive about us has the opposite effect.

So how do you maintain positive self-esteem amid the opposition?

First

Know yourself. It helps for "you" to know who you are; not to allow people to define you, but to define yourself.

It's important to stand your ground of "knowing who you are." Being able to define yourself is "powerful ammunition" that can be used to battle the opposition.

For example: If someone constantly tells you that you're stupid and you know you're not, convey "your knowingness" to the person: " what's your thought of me, however, that's not how I view myself and I won't accept your degrading comments as being who I am; I won't allow your words to bring "me" down to the level that you're attempting to bring me."

Second

Don't "own" other people's thoughts about you; claim your own. Of course, if you own someone else's view of you, (if you are lazy) and you "want" to change it, then work on changing it; not because you feel forced, but because you feel a personal need to change it.

It's not an easy battle to always lift "you" up against degradation by others; in fact, it can be difficult-- especially when you're being bombarded constantly with disparaging words, and if the battle consists of several opponents throwing darts at your psyche; it can become overwhelming.

The thing is-- we don't have control over other people's perceptions and mean-spiritedness; people act and react for various reasons. Words can be directed toward us out of anger, dislike, jealousy, envy, or a person's personal issues. "Owning" who you are against those reasons is your best defence.

Third

Believing-- Don't believe the hype. If you believe what people say about you, it indicates that you "don't know who you are." Or as stated, what people are saying might be true, it might -- be you; people tend to call things as they are. So if the hype is true, you might want to change the truth.

Your "self-esteem" belongs to you, and yes other peoples words can brush up against it, but the brush only has control over your "self-esteem" if you allow it to have control. Don't "believe" the hype about you-- if it's not your hype-- stand your ground.

Written by Betty Alark

Author of the photo: George Hodan

The Purpose of Dating - Dating Provides Building Blocks

Dating is a time to put emotions and feelings on a back burner until you can evaluate your date. It's important to get a good feel for a person and to be in their company long enough to determine the worth of their character, and that takes time. When dating it's important to use self-control and not let your emotions overrule your thinking or fog your focus. An intelligent evaluation of a person's character can't be determined if your emotions are clouding your judgment.

Dating can be deemed as a fun time to be social and to do social things like parties, fairs, going out to a restaurant, maybe even playing some fun table games; that way, you get to see one another in different settings, which provides for an opportunity to see different sides of one another's personality. Being able to witness one another in different settings is a key factor in getting to know someone; until you actually get to see a person's various sides, you really don't know them at all.

If you give yourself time to get to know one another you might come to realize things like: you make one another laugh; that the person you're keeping company with is objective, non- judgmental and easy to talk to. Could be that you have similar things in common like liking the same moves, books, foods, art and the like. These are all things that you find out in the course of dating over a period of time. They are potential building blocks for friendship and possibly a relationship.

That's the purpose of dating; to find out if the potential building blocks for friendship and an eventual relationship exist. If you find out -- during the process of dating that the building blocks don't exist, the person can still be an acquaintance, however, not someone you want to build a serious relationship with that could ultimately lead to marriage.

Written by Betty Alark 

Photo by: Maliz Ong

Missing You

I miss you!
The inner me yearns for you.
You've made your mark on my heart. 

I place value on the things we do when we're together;
when we share one another's creativity and uniqueness.

I find myself reminiscing on your character and qualities.
There's no match for the intimate bond that I feel when I'm with you.

I miss you and I don't desire to be without you;
you're a novel personality that's come my way.

Every day with you is like an adventure;
always something new to discover!

My waiting anticipates your return to me, my love!
I know my waiting won't be in vain.

Hasten your return, my love,
make this yearning void.

I impatiently wait for that knock on the door or for the phone to ring;
to have you back once more!

I miss you, my love!
Know that I am waiting!

Written by Betty Alark

 Photo by: Peter Griffin

Love is Something You Do Not Something You Feel

Every person I've held a conversation with regarding love was of the opinion that love is something you feel.  There was a time I fell into that category.  No one could have convinced me that those strong emotional feelings I possessed for boyfriend weren't love. Howbeit, after hearing the statement: "Love is something you do, not something you feel." I needed to determine its validity.

I first heard the term: "Love is something you do not something you feel" when I got married. I'd never considered love being an action however when my husband made that assertion, I took a minute to think about it.

Just thinking about it wasn't sufficient to convince me of the probability of the statement being true. My memory held no reference of validation since I'd never had an experience in a relationship that revealed anything contrary to what I felt for the person.

Feelings and emotions can be extremely intense. Howbeit take a moment and ask yourself why do I consider intense emotion to be--love? Really, think about it!

There's is, however, a connection between love, and emotions.

Try this reasoning on for size

Envision being on a date. You're both attracted by one another's intriguing idiosyncrasies-- personal traits such as -mannerisms, physique, appearance, voice, personality, etc. After being in the presence of one another's indulging traits-- for a duration, you start to experience mental and emotional attachment; if you indulge in sexual intercourse the emotions and attachment grow stronger.

Are we to deduce that those feelings equate as--love?

Is it not your flesh that's being stimulated by the observation of the object of your affections (their traits)? You gravitate towards one another in order to indulge what you feel. Is that love?

Neither of you has initiated any action propelling the gravitation. The attraction has.  The feelings are based on the attraction of-- appealing traits. 

You're both separate entities.  You separately experience whatever mental and emotional stimulation you feel towards one another.  Is that love?

Let's delve a  little further

You indulge in intercourse. The intercourse is intensely pleasing, howbeit the gratification you experience, even though mutual, is separate. You both enjoy experiencing a gratifying climactic release by the object of your affections. 

You indulge frequently. Eventually, you express how you feel towards one another.  You periodically say "I love you"  What are those words based on? Is it not based on what separately feel? 

Here's where it gets complicated

Two people interacting and indulging based on their feelings (especially the female) assume that the object of (her) their affection, is mutually relating to what the other person is experiencing. 

You're two different people. You're both having an individual experience.  The emotions being experienced aren't outside of you.  It's an individual experience.

What happens when those feelings ware off? Or if either of you sees someone more indulging and you desire to indulge your affection. Would you surmise that you're now left to deal alone with the love or feelings/emotions you held for that person?

The Heart

When I first encountered, my husband I thought he was so handsome! The initial attraction was his eyes. Howbeit what really attracted me to him was what I saw when I looked into his eyes. I saw beyond the physical. What I was seeing into was what I wanted to know.

When we got married, I didn't have emotionally strong feelings for him, however, I cared a lot about him. After we married, my husband was an excellent provider. I never wanted for anything materially or financially; even though I worked and could provide for myself.

I came to appreciate him to the utmost not because he could provide in the manner that he did however because he gave from his heart. Whenever there was a need he met it; I never had to say a word. In addition, he pleased me intimately; the attraction was there, the feelings and emotions were there.

I came to the conclusion that attraction, being attached to someone emotionally, sexually and mentally and listening to them say I love you are like the icing on a cake; however, they aren't the cake. However, the icing on the cake doesn't keep you together. The cake does.

The cake for me is what the person does from their heart--their actions.  The icing (feelings, attraction, attachment) can be temporary however what's done from the heart remains. 

Even at some point if the relationship doesn't last, the thing that stays with you is what the person did for you and to me, that's what love is.

We can recall how great a person made us feel sexual, made us laugh, had a great conversation, etc.  all those things are benefits and are meaningful and purposeful-- its the icing on the cake.  

Written by Betty Alark

Photo by Basdorf