Monday, November 25, 2013

How to Raise Your Self Esteem - Stand Your Ground

It's a constant battle to maintain feeling good about "you." However, feeling good about yourself is a "powerful weapon" in the battle against someone else not thinking positive about "you" and putting "you" down with words? 
When an opponent is constantly "belittling or criticizing" your character, it can impact your psyche. You begin to question yourself and ask "is that me." You hear it repeatedly and before long you might start to believe it.
I term it -- psychic warfare -- resulting from the constant battle fought against the opponent's words used to attack the psyche.
The mind can be vulnerable to criticism. If you look in the mirror and perceive yourself as ugly, most likely, you will believe the mirror image. When someone is constantly throwing degrading words at you, it has the same effect as the mirror image. Why, because you believed it.
We care "how" others view us. When others think well of us we tend to feel good about ourselves based on how "they" feel about us. On the contrary-- their not thinking positive about us has the opposite effect.

So how do you maintain positive self esteem amid the opposition?

Know yourself. It helps for "you" to know who you are; not to allow people to define you, but to define yourself.
It's important to stand your ground of "knowing who you are." Being able to define yourself is "powerful ammunition" that can be used to battle the opposition.

For example: If someone constantly tells you that you're stupid and you know you're not, convey "your knowingness" to the person: " that's your thought of me, however that's not how I view myself and I won't accept your degrading comments as being who I am; I won't allow your words to bring "me" down to the level that you're attempting to bring me."

Don't "own" other people's thoughts about you; claim your own. Of course if you own someone else's view of you, (if you are lazy) and you "want" to change it, then work on changing it; not because you feel forced, but because you feel a personal need to change it.
It's not an easy battle to always lift "you" up against degradation by others; in fact, it can be difficult-- especially when you're being bombarded constantly with disparaging words, and if the battle consists of several opponents throwing darts at your psyche; it can become overwhelming.
The thing is-- we don't have control over other people's perceptions and mean spiritedness; people act and react for various reasons. Words can be directed toward us out of anger, dislike, jealousy, envy, or a person's personal issues. "Owning" who you are against those reasons is your best defense.

Believing-- Don't believe the hype. If you believe what people say about you, it indicates that you "don't know who you are." Or as stated, what people are saying might be true, it might -- be you; people tend to call things as they are. So if the hype is true, you might want to change the truth.
Your "self esteem" belongs to you, and yes other peoples words can brush up against it, but the brush only has control over your "self esteem" if you allow it to have control. Don't "believe" the hype about you-- if it's not your hype-- stand your ground.

Written by Betty Alark
Author of photo: George hodan

The Purpose of Dating - Dating Provides Building Blocks

Dating is a time to put emotions and feelings on hold until you can evaluate your date. It's important to get a good feel for a person and to be in their company long enough to determine the worth of their character, and that takes time. When dating it's important to use self-control and not let your emotions overrule your thinking or fog your focus. An intelligent evaluation of a person's character can't be determined if your emotions are clouding your judgment.
Dating can be deemed as a fun time to be social and to do social things like parties, fairs, going out to a restaurant, maybe even playing some fun table games; that way, you get to see one another in different settings, which provides for an opportunity to see different sides of one another's personality. Being able to witness one another in different settings is a key factor in getting to know someone; until you actually get to see a person's various sides, you really don't know them at all.
If you give yourself time to get to know one another you might come to realize things like: you make one another laugh; that the person you're keeping company with is objective, non- judgmental and easy to talk to. Could be that you have similar things in common like liking the same moves, books, foods, art and the like. These are all things that you find out in the course of dating over a period of time. They are potential building blocks for friendship and possibly a relationship.
That's the purpose of dating; to find out if the potential building blocks for friendship and an eventual relationship exist. If you find out -- during the process of dating that the building blocks don't exist, the person can still be an aquaintance, however, not someone you want to build a serious relationship with that could ultimately lead to marriage.

Written by Betty Alark 
Photo by: Maliz Ong

Missing You

I miss you!
The inner me yearns for you.
You've made your mark on my heart. 

I place value on the things we do when we are together;
when we share one another's creativity and uniqueness.

I find myself reminiscing on your character and qualities.
There's no match for the intimate bond that I feel when I'm with you.

I miss you and I don't desire to be without you;
you're a novel personality that's come my way.

Every day with you is like an adventure;
always something new to discover!

My waiting anticipates your return to me, my love!
I know my waiting won't be in vain.

Hasten your return my love,
make this yearning void.

I impatiently wait for that knock on the door or for the phone to ring;
to have you back once more!

I miss you, my love!
Know that I am waiting!

Written by Betty Alark
 Photo by: Peter Griffin

Love is Something You Do Not Something You Feel

Everybody has their own opinion about what love is. I'd like to share my conception of love with you. Probably not unlike yourself, I used to think that love was a feeling. No one could have convinced me that what I felt for my boyfriend wasn't love. But after I heard the statement: "Love is something you do not something you feel." It caused me to wonder.
I first heard the term: "Love is something you do not something you feel" when I got married. I'd never heard that saying before so when my husband brought it to my attention, I had to take a minute and think about it. Just thinking about it wasn't enough to convince me of the probability of the statement being true. I had no point of reference to confirm its truth, since I'd never had an experience in a relationship that revealed anything different other than what I felt for the person.
Feelings and emotions are extremely strong and it is difficult to distinguish them from love. There's a very thin line between love, feelings and emotions.
For example, let's say you're in a relationship and you develop feelings for the person. You're affected emotionally by the person's various idiosyncrasies; like the person's mannerisms, appearance, the person's actions, etc. You're attracted to the person emotionally causing a feeling of attachment; if you include physical intimacy then feelings, emotions and attachment go even deeper.
I'm sure you're aware of what I'm saying. People think they're in love simply based on the points that I've stated. The person doesn't have to have done anything special for you for you to feel the way that you're feeling; it's just that you're emotionally caught up in what "you're" feeling and you call it love.
The emotions that you're caught up in aren't outside of you; they're simply your inner emotions. It doesn't mean that the person you're feeling those emotions for mutually feels the same. The emotions "feel" good so they get equated as love.
So I ask you: Is it logical to assume that what you're feeling is love simply because "your" attraction was catered to and you were pleased physically?
When I met my husband, I was attracted to him. I was drawn to his eyes; but, what really attracted me to him was what I saw when I looked into his eyes. I saw beyond the physical.
When we got married, I didn't have emotionally strong feelings for him, however I cared a lot about him. After we married, my husband was an excellent provider. I never wanted for anything materially or financially; even though I worked and could provide for myself.
I came to appreciate him to the utmost not because he could provide in the manner that he did but because he gave from his heart. Whenever there was a need he met it; I never had to say a word. In addition, he pleased me intimately; the attraction was there, the feelings and emotions were there.
So based on the examples I've given, I came to the conclusion that attraction, being attached to someone emotionally, sexually and mentally are like the icing on a cake; however, they aren't the cake. The cake for me is what the person does from their heart. I say that because, the icing (feelings, attraction, attachment) can be taken away at some point but what's done from the heart (the cake) remains; even if the relationship doesn't last, the thing that stays with you is what the person did for you and to me that's what love is.

Written by Betty Alark
Photo by Basdorf 

The Good Things You Do Override Your Faults

We have our ups and downs,
not always seeing eye to eye.
Often disagreeing
both vying for our own individual opinion.

It is at those times that our emotions,
our ego can come into play
and we find ourselves feeling sorry for
the things we have said to one another.

We temporarily distance ourselves
to reflect on our wounds;
after reflecting upon the moment,
the thing that overshadows my emotions and ego
is all the good things that you have done for me.

I see your heart,
your heart overshadows
any complaint that I might have
regarding your imperfections and mine.

However, the complaint remains;
it still needs to be addressed.
We still need to come together,
not keeping the complaint at bay.

In order to move forward
in this relationship,
we need to address the complaint;
so that it doesn't continue to haunt us.

Let's not let our differences lead us astray;
we can come together and hear
the complaint that needs to be said.

I'm big enough to forgive
the temporary wounding of my egomy hope is, that you are too.

Our unity means more to me,
than any harsh words could possibly say.
Our commitment and devotion to one another,
our love for one another,
is what I hope will triumph over the disarray.

So here is my complaint,
please don't think less of me
for expressing the things that affect me.
Please take it into consideration
and try to make the necessary change.

Keep in mind that your heart to me,
overshadows the complaint that I express.
Any changes will just make our relationship stronger,
and old habits will be laid to rest.

Your heart overshadows
any complaints that I have about you.
When it is my turn to hear your complaints,
I will remember the very things
that I've asked of you.

Keeping in mind the greater things,
that compliment me and you.

Written by Betty Alark
Photo by: Yana Ray

How to Have Unity in Relationships - Working Things Out

We have our moments,
but we've always worked things out

A big part of having unity in relationships,
Is being able to relate and communicate with one another effectively

Yes, we have our moments that momentarily distance us,
but after we get a handle on our emotions, assess the situation and
evaluate what we need to do next, eventually we come back together,
talk and work things out.

There's no hurdle that's come our way that we haven't conquered,
no obstacle that our love hasn't defeated.

So, let's not allow this mole hill to turn into a mountain,
our love is stronger than that.

We can still work things out, right?
Let's talk!

Written by Betty Alark
Photo by Aubrey Kirkham

How to Fix Your Relationship

Sometimes relationships work
often they don't.
The reasons are complex.

Relationships require constant work;
the work is a constant effort to keep
the connection a positive one.
We all have our ups and downs.
If that were not the case
what would we work towards?

The effort to keep relationships
constantly moving in a positive direction
can become a battle of wear and tear.
A loose thread in a relationship
can cause frustration and disappointment,
leaving a couple faced with a problem,
calling for resolution.

Feelings are strong emotions that
keep us attached to one another.
It's not always easy to remedy
what we feel when our ego has been
bruised by the one we love.

At the moment of feeling bruised emotions,
choice comes into play --
am I going to hang in there and work
this out or do I walk away.
In the moment of choice,
we come face to face with self.
Like a reflection in a mirror
we glimpse who self is being.

If we are looking at self and
not the other person, we
reflect on our own actions.

Think about it for a moment.
Isn't it true that when you have an argument
or a disagreement and you temporarily
distance yourself to reflect on the situation,
that you're left with "yourself"
to ponder the details?

Within those moments of pondering,
don't you see yourself?
Aren't you evaluating
how you might have acted or reacted
to cause the thread to loosen?

When I look at myself in a relationship
what that reveals to me
is that I'm constantly learning and growing.
Life is teaching me what it wants me to learn
in order for me to become a more knowledgeable, wiser person.

It's only when I don't see myself
due to denial, pride, selfishness or naivety
that the thread in the relationship continues to become unravelled
because I'm not growing;
I'm not becoming more responsible and accountable.
Ultimately, the relationship is severed
due to a lack of not seeing "me."

That's not to say that the relationship is being severed
solely on me not seeing myself,
my significant other might not
be willing to look at self.

The fact remains,
no matter what the reasons might be,
if you're observing yourself in the relationship,
your reflection will bring you face to face with the inner you
and cause you to grow beyond whatever the reason might be.

The same stands true for relationships that work.
No matter what the reasons are,
you were constantly looking at "self" along the way
or it wouldn't have worked.

Each person in the relationship
needs to come face to face with self
in order to make things better.
Then, perhaps they can come back,

Written by Betty Alark